Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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