I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
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well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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