A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
