got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
