the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
