i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
