got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
