Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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