Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
