As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
