I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
