You really coming over, don't trick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
