i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
