i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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