Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
