I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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