rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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