All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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