We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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