when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
