who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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