Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
