Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
