The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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