I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
