I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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