Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
