im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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