you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
