Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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