if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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