Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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