She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
