just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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