Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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