Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Randomize
