everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
