last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
