I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
