I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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