Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize