I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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