I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
how does that bad decision feel?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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