I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
