My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
