Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
