You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
