You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
