bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My liver just had a heart attack.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
