Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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