I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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