grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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