Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
